Don't Mess with the Matriarch

Given a half a chance, when it comes to having a delicate talk with my Mother, I’ll run for the hills. I’ll do anything to put this off, to avoid lighting the reactive family touch-paper. I'll dodge confrontation, get in line, and keep things ‘just about ok’.

And nothing changes.

Do you know this?

Now my Mum cares 24/7 for my Dad who has Alzheimer’s. Earlier this year during lockdown she had a serious breakdown and was hospitalised. What I see is that their situation at home is often completely overwhelming, stressful and that she has inadequate support.

While this may be an accurate observation from the outside, Mum has kept the shape of holding onto her dignity as she feels it. And within this are deep feelings of loneliness, sadness, longing and family loyalty - all bubbling away.

Mess with the matriarch at your peril.

Last week I took action. I stepped past the challenging conversation that my pragmatism and intuition told me would come to nothing. I phoned a care agency, built a relationship and put a care assessment appointment in place for Monday, 11am.

Selfish eldest child betrays family legacy by running to care agency.

Many headlines are possible.

How would I tell her?

“Don’t you ever do that again!”

And in the poignant moment of her anger I am a disobedient 7 year old, caught, just having stolen pennies from the piggy bank up on the top shelf in the old kitchen.

I am hopeful, yet I know deep down that she will feel betrayed. I’ve gone behind her back and 50 years of marriage.

It’s a biggie.

I stand my ground. I get in my centre. My body is a maze of feeling states. I breathe, drop into my hips and feel my feet. My body relaxes. I am gentle, yet strong and with clarity.

A relaxed body is a powerful body.

There’s residue. I feel this deeply. And it will pass.

This is not just about my dear, beautiful Mum. This is about my integrity. This is about living my values in the face of discomfort. This is about facing what is really important to me.

That I love her and care deeply for them both.

There’s no growth without discomfort.

How are you showing up in your ‘family’?